Unquenched, my relentless thirst for control through understanding.

Ruffled, my endlessly preened feathers of spirituality.

As I arise my voice and my hands with that

My suppressed emotions, now raw before you.

You endure my questions and scathing indictments,

Whilst I imagine that by some miracle, I know better than You.

You wait, and hear every word

As the barrage intensifies.

Finally, my emotions released, like steam through a valve

In the silence, I hear You rejoicing

You now possess in those nail-scarred hands, Your treasure:

The heart of Your Beloved.

Would You endure such a lashing, for the sake of this prize?

Intimacy with me, whom I often despise?

Did You allow my pain for a purpose?

That in my breaking, I would find You complete

Under fire, my resolve for perfection weakens

After my tirade, You answer my prayer, for a fresh encounter with Your love.

Here You show me another view, of the unsearchable deep love You give.

In my breaking, I’m caught in the middle,

Of a love to high and long and deep and wide for my small mind

To comprehend.

A beautiful fountain, illuminated with blue light, offers a perfect spot for pictures.  She poses with a beautiful smile.  Click.  No sooner does the shutter close than the smile disappears.  Does happiness flee so quickly, merely an illusion, like the powdered wig players that enchant the crowd on their electric instruments?

A girl and her beau enjoy the experience together.  What could be better?  Both are attractive.  But wait.  Do I see a black eye on her face?  Could it be from an unfortunate mishap–or a jealous boyfriend?  Perhaps he designed the whole evening a tool to keep her clinging to his arm, despite the pain he inflicts.

I see a family here on their dream vacation.  Then why do I still see in her eyes the look of an unloved wife?  Could it be that love cannot be bought, even with a magical getaway?  Does there exist a longing in every heart which cannot be suppressed, no matter how extravagant the attempt?

At the chocolate store, the young clerk cannot believe that two people would spend only $3.14.  Have the ideas of moderation and restraint become as foreign today as the ideas of Walt Disney were to his contemporaries?  Perhaps these once foundational principles have been replaced with the American way of indulgence and luxury.  We conveniently ignore all that our Creator has said about these “values.”  That way, we need not change.

Everywhere I look, color, movement, smells, and sights surround me.  The crowds get caught, like fish in a net, drawn by whatever they desire.  But what lies ahead?  Does the net take them to their doom?  After all the chocolate, ice cream, and candy, do the blood sugar crash and onset of diabetes complete the story?  Surely the credit card bills will supply the perfect ending.

People move all around me.  The exhibits move with frightening reality; they seem they could be alive.  So much life around me!  Or else none at all.  Even in the Christmas shop, I see no trace of my Beloved.  Since Jesus is the life, would not the absence of Him mean death?

While on the topic of death, let us examine another situation.  Surrounded by eager shoppers in the souvineer shop, I stand to the side and watch.  No one seems to notice me.  What if I had that day decided I wanted no more living?  What if I came hoping that someone–anyone–would just show some love, letting me know that my existence mattered.    Maybe just a smile would give me some hope.  But since no one could spare even that…

Pleasure Island–all the signs point me to it.  But if what I find only disappoints, perhaps it is only an illusion, like a cello that makes no sound.  This truth comes to mind: “The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods,*” like those who come seeking satisfaction, yet leave emptier than before.  The words of my friend express this more truly than she wants to acknowledge, “I wonder if it’s funner when you eat there.”  I pose the question, “Did you find what you expected at the chocolate shop?”  She replies, “I think the smell was better.”

In the store with everything Disney, I see a perfect beauty, a precious baby girl.  My spirit longs to warn her, to spare her the grief of misplaced hope.  I long to keep her innocent, before the illusions of Pleasure Island disappoint.  If only I could share the Hope that found me.  Jesus alone satisfies.

“You fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.*”

____________

*See Psalm 16

The fire burns hot and my heart breaks.

“Why?”  The insatiable longing to know surfaces.

I chafe at what is and desire what could be.

We wrestle.

You brought me here, but I have the choice

To walk away from where You led

To flee the fire, and mend my heart.

You call me to follow, to be where You are.

When I push back my fears and dry my tear-stained eyes,

I can see.

You wrestled.

You carried the cross, and died on that tree.

Fighting the pain, You poured out Your life.

Though You had the choice to leave, You remained

In spite of Your innocence, You suffered, some would say unjustly.

You chose the pain, poured Yourself out, to love Your enemy.

As I glimpse this love, Your blood flowing from a broken heart,

I’m transformed.

Though once Your enemy, You call me “Beloved.”

I rest.

Your loving arms won’t force me to stay, yet I remain.

Through my tear-filled eyes, I gaze,

Upon my relentless Lover.

You died,

And I with you.

You live,

And I with You.

I rest.

Earlier this year, I clung to the notion that as I walk with Jesus, I can expect to continually feel excitement, happiness, and overflowing joy.  Yet, as the days march on, I quickly left that place of blissful existence and felt again all kinds of negative emotions .  Does this mean that I no longer have faith in Christ?  Or has He left me?  Did I fail?  Did He?

A survey of men of faith reveals that even those characters whom we elevate in our minds as “heroes of the faith” walked through dark emotional times.  David, the man after God’s own heart, wrote much poetry that reveals a tumultuous emotional life.  His “soul felt downcast and disturbed” within him (Context).  He “wrestled with his thoughts and every day had sorrow in his heart” (Context).  Hm, sounds like depression.  Elijah cowered in a cave and admitted feelings of loneliness and isolation, thinking that he was the only one of God’s people left (Context).  I’ve been there.  Jeremiah railed at God, claiming that God, the  only true God, had deceived him (Context).  How many times when faced with a crisis or even an internal struggle, have I felt like God tricked me with fine sounding promises?  Paul, the respected apostle, longed to “depart and be with the Lord” (Context).  I think each of us have become overwhelmed with the burdens of this world and deeply desired to be in heaven with Christ, rather than continue through seemingly endless difficulties.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a man who bravely spoke out for God against Hitler, ultimately giving his life for Christ, struggled with internal doubts and perhaps depressed emotions. (See Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Prophet, Martyr, Spy).

If emotions determine the validity and veracity of our faith, then I might as well give up now.  If their emotions served as a barometer for their faithfulness, even these witnesses of Christ would lose their credibility.  Yet, Christ has given us something deeper.  Our hope and faith rest in Jesus.  This hope in His faithfulness and His promises are an anchor for our soul.  (Hebrews). Because of that, we can maintain confidence in the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, even when everything within and without screams in opposition to that.  When King David poured out his laments to God, he ended with a declaration of the faithfulness of God.  He knew that the salvation of God was sure, and His promises were true.  These remain just as reliable for us today.  Regardless of the fickle nature of our own hearts, may we remain confident and steadfast in the grace that is given us in Christ Jesus.  Rather than allow our capricious emotions to define us and our concept of God, may we allow the Christ to bestow on us His identity and ground us in His truth.  Heaven and earth will pass away, but the Word of God stands forever.

Words flow like a torrent from within.

Amidst the chaos of my tumultuous heart,

His voice beckons, “Peace, be still.”

This voice that calmed the sea

Assures my heart that He is God.

In the silence that follows, He enters.

The secret place within becomes His home.

He tells me who I am: Chosen, Holy, Dearly Loved.

Suddenly, I realize, He has quieted me with His love.

Where I once knew only shame, He has made me holy.

Rather than reject me, He says I am chosen.

For every time I’ve questioned, He calls me dearly loved.

My God calls me chosen, and says I am precious.

How many times have I felt inadequate,

When  my union with Him makes me complete.

In the time of my stillness, it’s then He meets me,

Bringing His love deeper within.

As we read in the Word, we see many people who are afraid.  Joshua when called to enter the promised land.  The disciples when Jesus walked on water.  John when He saw Jesus.

How does God respond to this?  The command “Do not fear” appears many places throughout Scripture.  But how does He intend to overcome this fear that seems so pervasive in our lives?  This command is followed up with a statement: “Do not fear. I AM…”  He desires to overcome our fear through His existence, His presence, His nature. 

Whatever fear you face, remember His answer: “I AM.”  Seek to know who Jesus is.  He is truly the answer to every fear we face.

“Where is God in all of this?” 

“Why is God out to get me?”

How many times have we asked these questions when faced with the challenges of life.  When life hurts, nothing makes sense, and we are left with a shattered heart, we often blame God for the heartache.  Naomi did this in the book of Ruth.  She believed God had turned against her.  She lost her husbands, her sons, and her contentment.  As we so often do, we blamed God.  Yet, the story does not end there.  God brought redemption.  He worked in that situation in ways beyond her grandest imaginings.  He used Ruth, the widowed foreigner, to bear the lineage of Christ.  All because her husband and her sons died and she returned to Israel destitute. 

God works in the pain.  He shows up in the broken places in our lives.  When our dreams fall apart, perhaps we must remember the cross.  What appeared to be the defeat of everything good, was actually God’s greatest victory.  So it is in our lives.  We are called to follow Christ, bearing our cross daily.  His purposes are bigger than our own. 

I read the book of Ruth after a semester of broken dreams. It seemed God was holding out on me, while everyone else experienced the fruition of their plans.  Naomi wanted to be called “Mara” (meaning bitter) because she felt God has robbed her.  And yet.  The beauty of the cross is that Jesus brings full, overflowing redemption to our lives.  The cross proves His faithfulness.

As the deans read from the seemingly endless roster of names, the time draws near when you will at last walk across the stage.  You step up, take your stand in front of thousands for your five seconds of fame, shake hands, and receive your degree.  In what seems a brief and fleeting instant, your moment passes.  The endless roster continues as you walk towards your seat.  Once there, you open the embossed cover to find…emptiness.

Is that it?  I spent four, maybe five or six, years working for that moment?  And the degree cover is empty. 

How often do we chase after ideas, awards, or experiences that the culture thrusts at us?  It seems we cannot achieve completeness as a person, unless we achieve these things.  After sweat, blood, and tears, we finally reach our goal.  Only to realize, it’s empty.  When we achieve our goal, do we experience that ethereal state of satisfaction and fulfillment, or are we left wanting?

This momentous event reminds me of the reality that any time we pursue anything other than Christ, the emptiness inside remains, and the chasm within grows still deeper.  The Psalms express this with the words: “The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.”  If these idols of education, physical fitness, relationships, money, careers, etc. leave us empty, where does satisfaction lie?  The Psalmist also addresses this: “You fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

As I experienced my own college graduation days ago, a recipient of multiple honors, the words of Paul resonate with my spirit.  All of these accolades, achievements, and awards prove worthless compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  Without Him, I would have no reason to live.  He relegates every honor the world can bestow to its place: in the toilet, with feces.  For compared to knowing Christ, worldly pleasures become as bane as crap.

Does a relationship with Jesus bring glamour?  No.  Jesus promises suffering.  Rejection.  Persecution.  And yet, as we share in these with our Lord, we also participate in His glory.  This glory does not fade, even into eternity.  My degree will burn, along with everything else the world offers.  Besides, the degree cover is empty.  Yet in knowing Christ, we enjoy, even now, a life that never ends.

You peel back every mask.

You strip away all that I think fulfills.

You uproot every plant that would hold me back from receiving You.

In the hole that remains, you long to outpour

A love I can’t fathom.

You wait, desiring my “Yes.”

You show my heart who you are:

Love.  Perfect, complete, satisfying love.

Only help me receive.

Wreck each foundation, remove every wall

That keeps me from receiving

All that You are, the love You bestow.

So here with my heart, I come to your feet.

And all that it holds, I pour on the altar.

With nothing inside, I come to Your River.

I long to be filled in the depths of Your love.

Ready I come, empty, so I can receive,

Nothing but You, Jesus my Love.

You say that You want to love me.

You allure, romance and pursue,

The whispers you speak tell me I am desired.

Your love for me does not depend

On whether I grow or bend, embrace or reject.

You beckon me closer, but I fear Your embrace.

A love so deep You offer tonight,

You willingly died so we could be one.

But my heart You desire to invade.

Can I be so close to One so mysterious?

Through Your eyes, I look so different

Than the woman I see, but fear to reveal.

You lift off the veil and break down the walls.

When You see what I hide, I scarce can believe,

The love in Your eyes, You even would die.

I’m accepted.  I’m safe to be laid bare.

In the eyes of Jesus, I am His beloved.

Let Your tender love erode

The walls of stone I’ve built,

Till once again, I can rejoice in Your love,

Receiving, filled and spilling over,

So all the world can see the love of Jesus.